I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
