you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
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She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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