True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
