I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
