My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
