you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize