last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
