we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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