Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
