All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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