so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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