Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
