R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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