my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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