the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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