If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
