I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
