The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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