i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
