...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
