Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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