12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
