Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
