I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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