Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
