even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
