Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
