it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
