Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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