my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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