i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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