So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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