I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
