She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
