Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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