god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
