When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
this will be a night to untag.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
