He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You made out with two different species that night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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