her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
