just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
