Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
