I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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