I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
