sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
