From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
