You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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