things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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