gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
