It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
