i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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