Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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