have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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