They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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