She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
