I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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