We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
