Cold hands, warm shart.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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