There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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