I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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