when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i dont even know how to be here
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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