he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
