I met the friendliest cop last night
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
