tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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