My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
