i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
