My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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