oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
